When I speak to my musician friends and colleagues about performing and performance anxiety, there is one issue that comes up first every single time; playing by memory. I have heard it from hobby musicians, students (young and old), professionals and even some of the most famous names in the business. It seems that playing by memory is one of the most difficult and scary aspects of performing on stage and, having definitely struggled with it myself, I thought I would write down some of my thoughts on the subject. As I am pondering it now, it strikes me that, when it comes to relying on your memory on stage, it doesn't matter if you are a musician or a public speaker, an actor or any other kind of performer; the same conditions apply.
The first point I wanted to make is that playing by memory IS NOT necessary! I have seen some incredibly touching and special performances which have been done with the music next to the performers on stage, and similarly have also seen some not so great concerts where musicians played by heart with no music. It really does not detract from your performance if you do not let the physical pages get in your way of communicating your music. Of course there can be exceptions - if the performer hides themselves totally behind the music stand so that we can't see them, or if their head is so in the pages in front of them that they forget about communicating to their audience altogether, then of course playing with the notes becomes a hindrance to the performance. However, if the music and communication to your audience is always kept as number one priority, then having the music on the stage with you should not matter.
For me, there have been occasions where I have felt COMPLETELY sure that I could rely on my memory, and in these instances I feel like you know when you can trust yourself. In these times I have happily left the music backstage and just got on with it. But there have been those other concerts where I have not felt so secure, even when I could say that I knew my notes 99% but there was that tiny glimmer of doubt. And everyone knows that under pressure, on stage, where we make ourselves really vulnerable and expose ourselves in front of lots of people, everything gets put under the microscope and that tiny glimmer of doubt can cause some serious breakdowns. If having the music there with us, if only to refer to when we need to, can give us that safe feeling and eliminate some of the worry and anxiety that comes with performing, which can be a very difficult and frightening experience, then what is so wrong with that!?
Another factor to consider is the choice that one has to make: to play by memory or with the music. This might sound simple but, at least for me, it can cause problems! I have played concerts in the past, where I had chosen to play by memory in the rehearsals, and then at the last minute changed my mind and taken the music on stage and subsequently really mucked myself up! And it has also happened the other way around too. It's my feeling that, whichever way you choose, you must pick ONE, and commit to it! If you decide to play with the music, you must prepare with the music, so it is familiar to you and not off-putting. If you decide to play my memory, you must also practise that way too.
Which brings me to my next point; how to practice playing by memory. The trouble is, and it happens all to often to EVERYbody, that when we are alone in our practice rooms, playing by memory can feel so easy and effortless - of course our fingers know where to go! We can allow ourselves to go into automatic mode where we don't even have to think about what we are doing, just let our hands do it for us. But all of that can go out the window when you put yourself on stage and a few people in the audience. I know this feeling so well; suddenly you start actually thinking about what you are doing, you can't quite remember where to put your fingers, how the tune actually goes, what chord comes next. Oh God, even writing about this experience is making me cringe as this is really one of the most horrible things that can happen to a performer!!
After one too many of these kinds of performances I decided to re-evaluate how I was practising and preparing for concerts where I knew I would be playing by memory. Instead of slipping into auto-mode I chose instead to play with real deliberation in the practice room, slowly playing and thinking about every single note; where I was putting it, how my finger felt, how my hand shape felt, what I had to do with my bow, what the movements were exactly and, most importantly, all the while visualising and hearing in my head what note came next. It takes a long time - this is definitely not a practice short cut. It requires a lot of patience, a lot of repetition and a lot of brain power. But I promise that it is worth it because you will ABSOLUTELY and without any shadow of doubt, know your music. After I started practising this way (in my case it was Bach that I had particular trouble with) I found my on-stage experience of playing by memory SO much more comfortable - I could relax, feel safe, enjoy it!
Performing by memory is difficult, and can definitely cause a lot of anxiety for many people. So we have to try to minimise this stress as much as possible in whatever ways we can. I'm kind of losing the belief that performing in general and performing by memory gets easier as you do it more and more - this is something that has been told to me since I was a child and I don't think it's true! I think each concert experience is different and presents it's own challenges and this probably won't ever get any easier, just stay unique to each experience. But isn't this, afterall, what gives us the adrenaline which causes us to keep doing it again and again?!
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